ROARRR danisaur

IN OTHER NEWS

just got a free smart phone from verizon with a data upgrade. 

yessssssssssssssss

PLAY DRAWSOMETHING/WORDS WITH FRIENDS WITH ME. 

PLEASE BECAUSE I CAN’T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE MY TEETH HAVE ME FEELING SICK AND I’M EMBARRASSINGLY CHIPMUNKY 

I’VE BEEN LONGING FOR THIS FOR SO LONGGGGGGGGGGGG

lots of buzzing buzzing

thoughts and feelings and activity. 

i want to slow down to be with God. esp as i try to do  follow up on support-raising, which i’m so far behind on (with less than two weeks to my deadline)… heh… ehhhhhhh (oh god so nervous) (i also just found out today i’m getting less finaid next year - which makes literally no sense) (but i’ll have to try to figure that out when it’s not a holiday)…

but every chance i get to slow down, i waste. i’m so tired feeling that i keep sleeping for at least ten hours every night, no matter how early i go to bed - and i’ve tried going pretty freakin’ early. i keep watching TV with my family (which is all that they do) for hours and hours and hours - and then i have to rush off to the next thing, and i’ve accomplished like nothing with my day. i keep finding myself skimming scripture, during QTs - which is really not good, because it shows this attitude of like getting it over with. and honestly, i don’t feel like i want to get it over with, but i feel like i can’t pay attention for any span of time lately. 

i keep trying to pray and feeling my mind wander. i’m sure that some of this is spiritual warfare - i mean, goodness, i’m about to leave for missions, this is not that tricky - but the thing is, spiritual warfare is still, in some way, about what voices i’m choosing to listen to. and this is revealing a lot of… mm. chaos. and… maybe some quiet despair? 

today i caught myself laying down for like an hour or two lost in a lot of thoughts - about eternity and what i want and what my life is amounting to and crashing waves of memories and how my brokenness somehow renders consequences and how/whether God is somehow using me… anyway, in the midst of all of this thinking, it occurred to me that i should pray.

it was something like, “i know that it seems like everything is pretty okay to the people who know me, and i have so much to be so grateful for, but sometimes i feel like my life is crashing and burning and i am just blindly continuing to smile. is my happiness cheap? it feels authentic, but fragile. the truth is, my room is a wreck and has been so depressing that i’ve been avoiding it for months, despite several days being ‘set aside to clean’; my weight has skyrocketed and i keep telling myself i’m going to start this stuff and get it under control, but i’m not doing it; my family and i are sitting around watching TV together for hours while the world spins on outside; i’m not even halfway to the amount of support i need to have in two weeks; i know i’ve been growing, and sometimes i see it, but other times, i feel the same hopelessness and hurt and loneliness that i’ve always felt. God, i guess i need a savior. because i keep trying to pull myself up, and i keep landing back here. but what does that look like? how do i just… allow myself to be rescued?” 

i don’t have any answer. i know a lot of things that i should be doing, but then i can’t do them, but then i know that it’s not about what i’m doing, it’s about who God is… i guess i’m at that same confusing point that we’re always at. 

what does salvation mean, in real life? i think the reason the gospel was talked about as basically “fire insurance” for a while is because it’s easier to understand it that way - but it’s not satisfying. it’s a lot more than that, and i can’t quite understand it. 

i’m not sure why i’m dissatisfied. but i’m pretty sure that it’s actually a good, healthy thing. 

real strength is staring at brokenness

until it terrifies you.

and then declaring, as confidently as you can muster: 

“our God is greater.” 

even if your voice is shaking. even if it feels like a question. 

one day, you’ll find you can sing it and lift your hands.

this is how light conquers darkness. this is the unique hope of the gospel; it’s not about ignoring the evil, it’s about transforming it. 

The Lord declares: “it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; no weapon forged against you will prevail.” (isaiah 54: 16b-17a). it’s hard for us to understand this; we think that darkness is too scary, and so we like to act like it somehow popped up outside of God’s control. but that’s impossible. the truth is, darkness might think it’s winning, might appear to have every advantage, but God changes the rules. He is a far greater mystery than we give him credit for.

the truth is, the brokenness and evil and darkness and hurt - it should be terrifying. it’s much too much for us. but then we discover that our God is infinitely greater and more powerful - and that is what the fear of the Lord should mean. only when we understand the might of evil can we begin to comprehend the surpassing might of God; only when we understand hopelessness can we understand hope.

SF update

so i’d set aside this week to do follow-up for my SF trip… i’ve had a few pretty urgent personal crises come up instead. but i wanted to take a moment to praise God! because he has been amazingly faithful, and has worked so far beyond what i thought was possible. =) basically the theme of this year.

i just went to the dentist and they told me that i really do need to get my wisdom teeth out ASAP, because there are cavities and they’re at pretty high risk for infection. i have an appointment set up for next thursday, so that’s sort of a relief, but also sort of stressful, because it makes it even harder for me if i have to pay for this trip. plus, seriously, i’m broke to begin with.

i just want to ask you guys to continue to pray for financial provision, for this trip and for my family. i have 1400 now - PRAISE GOD!!!!! that’s really amazing!! but i do need another 2300 in the next 2 weeks. i’m going to be making calls to do follow-up and stuff as soon as possible (read: tonight through this weekend) and i hope to have some good conversations. 

LASTLY, my birthday is soon? i don’t know if this is the right place for that haha, but i’m really wanting to have some sort of celebration (even though i don’t usually) because honestly, surviving this year has been nothing short of a miracle. if you want to celebrate with me, please let me know!

i know this is long, but pleaseeee give it a read.

http://publicnoises.blogspot.com/2009/05/david-foster-wallace-kenyon.html

this reflects a lot of how i think about life hahahaha.

weeping

for the unbearable brokenness of this world. 

i feel like i just keep learning about… horrible abuses and atrocities done to people that i love so, so deeply. and i look at them and they’re so lovely, so fearfully and wonderfully made, so precious, and i can’t stand to think about how others treat them. use them. 

i know that i’m no better, but… 

i just can’t stand this. 

our lives were not made for this. our hearts were not made to endure this.

i don’t want to post any sort of details. but please be praying. so many of my dear friends have endured horrible, horrible abuses. i feel a fiery rage and crippling heartbreak and overwhelming compassion right now all at once.

Anonymous asked: just wondering, what is your stance on homosexuality? i'm just wondering, but for me, i tend to change what i say about my views according to who i'm talking to.. wondering if i'm not the only one.

hey =) ask me if i don’t touch on something specific you’re confused about. i think i’m actually pretty used to talking about this; i have a lot a lot of gay friends, both christian and non-christian. first and foremost, i think that the bible commands that my job is to love people in the midst of everything, so i want to stress that that’s probably the most important part of my position. i love my gay friends haha, or my bi friends just like i love my straight friends - and part of that means that i have a lot of compassion on them and on the struggles that they uniquely go through. 

however, i suspect what you’re really asking is if i think homosexuality is a sin or not. honestly, i think the bible is very clear, even though it’d be much easier/more convenient if the bible only had commands in it that made sense to me. yes, the bible lists homosexuality as a sin - not as “uncleanliness” in the way it talks about pork or women’s periods, but as a sin, usually listed along with polygamy. our culture is pretty polygamous, in a lot of ways, but i think almost everyone deep down values monogamy as somehow more ideal; in the same way, i don’t think there’s any way around homosexuality being sinful in the bible, even if its unclear exactly why. furthermore, it’s something listed in both the old and the new testaments, which leaves little to no doubt - this isn’t a cultural commandment, this is a command that is relevant in all cultures. 

now, i want to be extremely clear on a few points: first, i don’t think the struggle is a sin, i think that acting on it is. specifically, if you’re attracted to people in the same gender, that isn’t “wrong,” but it also doesn’t mean that it’s alright for you to sleep with them. secondly, as far as i know, i don’t think that people are “born gay” biologically, but i don’t think it’s as easy as them making a “choice” either - i understand it’s harder than that. however even if people are born with a biological tendency towards homosexuality, that doesn’t mean they have to have gay sex; people are born every day with a biological tendency to alcoholism, but that doesn’t mean they’re doomed to be alcoholics.

the last thing i want to say is this; some of my very, very best friends are gay christians, and many of them have chosen to set up accountability and pursue a life of celibacy. this may sound sad, and yes, it’s extremely challenging - harder than i can really understand, i’m sure - but i want to say that the ones who have chosen to give this up are so much more fulfilled feeling than any acting gay person i’ve ever met. the reason: they understand that the love of God is infinitely greater than any love on earth; they understand that marriage, gay or straight, and our identity in terms of romance, will all pass away. they understand that the only eternal identity that they have is as a Christian, and sexuality has nothing to do with that. and they understand that God loves them so, so much, and that he wouldn’t command something arbitrarily to try to keep happiness from them - if God commands this, there must be some reason to it, even if we don’t understand. 

i just want to encourage you - stand firm in what you believe, but make sure that you do it in love and compassion and understanding, because being gay is so hard in so many different ways. don’t be afraid to lose friends for disagreeing with them; as long as you treat them with respect and love and honesty, they will generally do the same. 

for my youth ladies:

in open fields of wild flowers, she breathes the air and flies away. 
she thanks her jesus for the daisies and the roses in no simple language.
someday she’ll understand the meaning of it all.
He’s more than the laughter, or the stars in the heavens,
as close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips.
someday she’ll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
someday He’ll call her, and she will come running
and fall in His arms, and the tears will fall down
and she’ll pray: “i want to fall in love with You. i want to fall in love with You.”  

beautiful young ladies, i think of you when i hear this song. i think it’s easy to drink in life’s little joys, like flowers and freedom, and to feel like that’s the best that there is. i see that in a lot of you, who hope for nothing more than a smile and some romance. but that’s OUR Jesus; the Jesus of the Bible is so much more than what we see Him as. yes, He’s present in the that air, in those fields - but beautifully articulated “thanks” aren’t what God wants. God wants all of our hearts. and he pursues us in those moments, but mostly, we are encountering Him when the tears are falling down and we’re falling into His arms and aware of how little we love Him. 

He wants us to want to fall in love with ALL that He is. we want to compromise, to settle for happy-rainbow-Jesus, because we’re afraid to really trust ALL of Jesus. but He wants us to want to fall in love with all of his glorious power and strength and might and majesty and mystery. 

don’t settle. in those moments where it’s easy to “feel” God, pray for Him to show you more. there’s so much more to who He is.

Anonymous asked: Do you believe everything that is in the Bible? Why or why not?

there have been books and books and books about this. i’m going to give a very, very short answer.

yes, i do. because i believe it is the only standard of truth - the literal word of God. i believe every time we try to interpret it or only apply the parts of it that make sense to us in the ways that we want, we are showing the same broken mentality as the Garden of Eden, and we are inviting death and pain and broken relationship into our lives.

whether we like to admit it or not, everyone’s choices are dictated by their beliefs - and those beliefs are either arbitrary, or they are based upon some standard. we’re all listening to stuff every day; it’s all about what we’re listening to, not whether or not we’re listening, and it’s about what we believe out of the stuff we take in. the only truth that i can be completely assured of is what scripture tells me - which is, to be fair, more than enough.  daily study of this truth is what has kept me alive when everything else has told me life is not worth living; so yes, i believe everything that is in the Bible, and i believe that it is truly greater and more powerful than i could ever comprehend.